Hi,
My name is Shay, Shay isn’t the name I was given a birth. It’s the name I chose, one that fits me and validates my identity, much like I know top surgery will. It’s been a long journey getting here, so I thought I’d share a little bit about it if you don’t mind. I’m hoping that in doing so, you can gain a little insight into the difficulties trans and nonbinary people face when trying to access gender affirming health care, and that despite the fearmongering you see these days we’re not just a bunch of unstable freaks mutilating ourselves on a whim. We are your friends, family, colleagues, and most of all we are human beings who just want to feel at home in the body we live in.
Unfortunately, my rainbow journey started early, when I was outed in school at 12 years old. As you can probably imagine that wasn’t the greatest experience, being the only (out) gay kid in a rough school in South Manchester. I was bullied every day. This had a major impact on my self-esteem and also on my sense of identity too. Because I was being bullied relentlessly for being a lesbian, I doubled down I became the biggest lesbian to ever lesbian. I stood proud in that identity for so long that even when I felt like maybe my gender didn’t fit me, I chose to ignore it. I didn’t want to let the sapphic community down as I was so proud of being one of them.
Fast forward to six years ago, I was 23 and I couldn’t ignore the nagging feeling in my stomach anymore, so I made the decision to come out all over again, this time as nonbinary. Only about 3 people I told knew what that meant, but it was fine, I was living my truth, finally. I had known for years that having a chest added to my already painfully low self-esteem, but I didn’t know what to do about it. I went to my doctor (thankfully not my doctor anymore) who basically told me to deal with it. I wasn’t ‘trans enough’ to get top surgery, not at risk enough to get a mastectomy and even though the size of my chest caused physical pain, I wasn’t big enough to get a reduction. Safe to say I felt deflated after this interaction. My mental health spiralled even further, and I began to self-harm again, mostly on my chest area. This went on for nearly 2 years, as I had other things I needed to prioritise. Such as caring for my terminally ill Mamma.
In May 2019 my Mamma passed away, I’d lost my person, my cheerleader, and my best friend. I’d also lost the distraction I had for dealing with my own mental health/identity issues, and it was then I went back to my GP. This time I saw a GP who had known me for years, she listened as I told her everything. By the end of that appointment, she had referred me to the Gender Clinic with the goal of putting me on a waiting list for top surgery as soon as possible. In my naivety I thought this would be a quick process. I was very, very wrong.
As of 2023 I have had one meeting with the Gender Clinic over the phone (in 2021) to inform me I should be getting my first official appointment any time now, I still haven’t had this appointment. Once that appointment is complete, I can finally go on the waiting list for NHS top surgery here in the UK, however the waiting list for that is currently around 4 years on average. That would mean from my initial referral to having top surgery would potentially take 8 or 9 years. Waiting times like this are a huge factor in the mental health crisis facing trans and non-binary individuals.
I knew that I couldn’t wait that long and I would have to find a way to go private.
So, I began researching, looking for private gender clinics and surgeons. The waiting lists for these were much shorter but the main issue was the cost. For my initial appointment I was looking at £250, plus another £200 for a Gender dysphoria diagnosis and follow up. Then there was the surgery, for a consultation, pre op and eventually surgery I was looking at anywhere in the range of £10,000 to £12,000. A sum of money I simple could not afford. This is when I (with a nudge from my friend) started a GoFundMe page. Much to my surprise a lot of people I knew donated, leaving beautiful messages when they did. It felt incredible having so much support, especially in a time where trans and non-binary folks are under attack. I manage to raise a decent amount towards the overall cost but still needed much more.
That was when I came across Trans Surgery by Neda, via a top surgery support group on Facebook. Neda is a trans man in Turkey who helps trans and nonbinary people get top surgery at a private clinic in Istanbul. He arranges the surgery, your transfer to and from the airport and any pre- or post-surgery care whilst you are there. I thought it all sounded too good to be true, until I became friends with 3 guys who had gone to Istanbul from the UK through Neda’s company. That was all the incentive I needed, I reached out to Neda and within a week I had my date booked in. June 15th, 2023. The biggest perk? The cost. My surgery cost had dropped from over £10k+ to £4,000 (plus flights/hotel). This was life changing.
With my surgery date arranged, I needed to raise the last of the money. So, I set out to do a sponsored 25km hike across Saddleworth Moor, a raffle, and a bake sale. Between sponsorships and the purchasing of raffle tickets and cake I was able to raise most of the leftover money needed to fund my surgery. Alongside that I was selling belongings, creating custom artwork, and basically doing anything I possibly could to raise the outstanding funds.
That brings us to now, June 9th, 2023. I leave for my surgery next week, it feels surreal. I can’t explain the euphoria of knowing that this time in 2 weeks I will have the chest I was always supposed to have. No more showering with a shirt on or wearing baggy clothes to cover my chest. No more hating the way I look every single day; I get to feel happy in myself and I cannot wait.
I am so lucky have got to this point, but it’s taken far too much blood, sweat and tears. Accessing gender affirming care in the UK should not be this hard. Countless trans and non-binary kids have died because they couldn’t access the care, they need to be themselves. I truly believe if I hadn’t found Neda and hadn’t had the incredible support I had via donations/sponsorships I wouldn’t have made it.
We as a nation need to do better by our transgender family. Right now, that starts with vocal allyship. We are under vicious attack every day by the media, the right wing and even a few high-profile celebrities. So please, if you can, stand up for the Transgender community, talk to your local councillors about access to gender affirming and support any trans or non-binary people you may know on their journeys. We need all the support we can get.
Happy Pride Month – much love, Shay.